Watching a world-class goalie get injured during a penalty shot is a little like pretending to be homeless to score a free dinner from the shelter.  Sure you’re gonna meet some interesting people, and you probably won’t need to worry about being the drunkest one there, but something about it just feels wrong.

Thanks to the previous shutout defeats at the hands of the Blackhawks, Chicago seems to get into Lu’s head, sink its hooks in, and stay there like Two Girls One Cup.  No wonder Vigneault made the shocking decision to start last Sunday’s game with Cory Schneider instead. 

Goalies can be as temperamental as racehorses on Zoloft and their mental state can easily cost their team a game.  The fact that Luongo wasn’t even supporting his team on the bench while he was sitting out could be a testament to the funk that the Chicago Blackhawks seem to be able to put our goalie in.

Despite this, it has been stated that Luongo is set to be the starting goalie for game 7.  Possibly because as perplexing as last game’s injury was, people will probably start to ask questions if it happens again.  Anyone who ever skipped high school P.E. or lied to dodge a pity date could think up a better excuse than “my quad just suddenly seized up.”

However, on the off chance that Luongo gets too psyched out and would rather have a different goalie start things off, I have made a list of…

“Other reasons the Canucks could release to the press as to why they take Cory Schneider out and put in Luongo”:

    •    •    “Schneider has to feed the meter.”

    •    •    “His girlfriend just dumped him and he is sad.”

    •    •    “There’s a big spider in the locker room and Schneider is the only one who can kill it.”

    •    •    “Schneider lost a contact lens and can’t see.”

    •    •    “Schneider’s leg is gone.  It just disappeared.”

    •    •    “Food poisoning.”

    •    •    “Has a tickle in his throat”

    •    •    “He has cramps.”  (Oh wait, they used that on Sunday...)

When Luongo is hot, he is more than competent as a goalie, but unless he brings his game now Vancouver doesn’t stand a chance at advancing.  With the recent losses, corporations that depend on the Luongo franchise for advertising are getting antsy.

Rumors are flying that even Tampax has vetoed Luongo’s lucrative endorsement deal with their company.  At first the feminine hygiene company thought his sometimes emotional reputation would make him a relatable spokesperson, but they reportedly dropped him when people began to stop associating him with shutting out a period. 

Whether those rumors are true or not, you will have to discover for yourselves, but the fact remains that while starting the game with Schneider in net was unexpected, Vancouver did enjoy a lead for the first part of the game.
Tuesday’s game is on home ice and is expected to be a hard fought and potentially heartbreaking battle.

Yes it’s true that the playoffs may occasionally illicit a special breed of impotent rage in Vancouverites, but at least they’re more exciting than the elections.